I was typing the post. Then i deleted it.
I didn't know. I feel i'm too tired. Or I less have motivation.
I'm too routine, I'm weak and I'm not too tight to look for power.
I'm nauseated and I just want to cry..

Spare

These two years is the most up-est and down-est feelings. I even can't describe well how the feelings are. I can say that i'm trying for learning, really, for understanding everything. But there are two sides of myself that each always speaks. It makes me dilemma, often.

Till now, i still don't understand with some angriness cases. I'll understand if i know the cause. The problem is i was trying to find out 'the causes' and still not found out and can't handle the angriness. Feeling full of nausated. Especially for who trying so hard to put me in hardest situation. For some, pretend having a good heart, holy in a person, and know rightness. But what's the point to prove that? Theory just theory without the practical/implementation. Can i make it the same level with -bullshit?

Thanks for how my self-character react for handling in some times. The typical of saingunist, that loving among in many people, make some crowded with the loud voice, and always forgetful for everything, -makes i can live my life easier. Even for the badness will happen when i'm alone. I really bad in aloness.

Next, what the positive is just i become stronger. I'm learning to take positive side and think how the creator plans for me through these. Even, it's not always smooth, because i'm too humanist. I learn for many character and expression from people. YES, i think i have to study psychology!! Good idea!!!

The other thinking is that the culture here is really made me depressed. How people give reaction for the other, how people really want to involve in a-person-privacy, and how can my business be your business! what a shitty! What i want to do is moving to Europe or America where my business are my business and even you don't have any rights to comment. Where judgment are exist in 'green-table', i mean court not by people that even don't know how handle theirselves' life. How poor!

Again, i'm in fire for having willingness to treat other people not like people in usual treat me How big deal i promise *RAISE THE FLAG IN MY HAND* too cruel and too hurt, i enough for feeling that. And how i promise to do better and even the best, not for proving myself to them, but to build myself better and even the best, for develop myself especially character. My dad said "It's easy to reach the top, but the thing that make you exist in top is the character" I agree that without good character, it's impossible to make you in the top. And i believe too 'as hard as the exam you'll face, you stand for higher level'

Puzzle character

The dark side of someone can easily out when the weakness catches it out. And when it happens, with what I can control?

And even after the theory i've received and understood easily, well, in practical it's not easy as the theory. And i found myself lost in much things. I even couldn't control, and what do i learned for?
Then, i found outside there, it happened to them and i think it's so humane. Then i continued with much mad that accidentally often i showed off. Really..
But for some times, i felt bored, i felt unluck, i felt empty if i kept with my own ego. How bad..

Always there's the other side of my heart that remind me. It's so luck on me. Remind me for back, remind for a better feeling and soulness, remind me what good things for, about what the positive, and what the faith should be. 

I realize i'm still young and often feel confused to determine heart and principle in life. I need some time to really really manage my heart. 
For itself, sometime i went outside for new refreshing and input and here's the last year when i joined Hillsong Concert in Batam and IT'S ROOKIE AND FULL JAMMING! HOW CAN I REPEAT AGAIN THIS MOMENT HUH?

The concert was held in GBI Tabgha

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JAMMING team!

We had 2 days for it. AND CAN BRING ME BACK NOW PLEASE..