Calls

When i was in my univ's library trying to complete the task which had deadline at 5.30pm 2days ago. I's even to lazy to start that. I was searching some life quote's that i taught could cheer me up to not always give up. Then I found this quote..

What i taught these days really confusing me. I always think what kind that I really want to do in life. I think if i don't like accounting (my majoring now), i have to change all, i have to manage well what should i do. BUT to determine ONE i can't. Too huge that i think, so I can't think where major I'm more. Ya, AFRAID is being of the people's weakness. Even i think it's not weakness, but mindset. If we set the mind to fail, so failed is the only one thing that we get. I'm always good in theory  

Since one year as kindergarten teacher, i just found out that i had my interest in children. Not only that, but my heart full of burden about what happening now in the generation. I think about how children can grow without their faith to the Creator, the children who lack of knowledge, poorness, backwardness and many things. I just found out too that i really like when i communicate with my students, waiting for their long-not always true- story, their expression, how they welcome me when i come in the morning to the school and hug me. Then to continue what i found out about myself, many thought passed the mind, many considerations, many counting about plus and minus. Should I? What will I do? Where do I start?

In the other way, I found out too my passion about how I have to expand the ministry especially for teenagers and youth. I browsed many things about how to do approaching to reach the youth . generation. Andddddd too, I remembered when City Harvest Church #batammission2014 gave challenge about whoever that wanted to answer the call and did the ministry and to expand the field of the church, i directly asnwered that calling. Even many disappoinments happen, i really didn't want to give up. I felt like i have a vision for a big breakthrough if i wanted to make stronger my heart and closed my ear for whatever people's would roarzz me.  

I've already discussed with some trusted and who understand about 'this'. And it's strengthen my soul that it's okay for me to go ahead with what i really like and do in life. I'm still counting my time till i finish my bachelor (a year left) and i really will decide after that. I think a fear is needed sometimes so I can always remember that i'm usual human and even cannot decide what's the best for myself, so I have to surround everything plan and desire to the Only One that can make wholely. I really do believe, what i fully trust and surround the thing into His hind, He will make a way for me and open all the ways. I have no opsi except believing. For you guys, that be in this condition, thought, or confusing a lot, maybe this can suggest you better :)

I was typing the post. Then i deleted it.
I didn't know. I feel i'm too tired. Or I less have motivation.
I'm too routine, I'm weak and I'm not too tight to look for power.
I'm nauseated and I just want to cry..

Spare

These two years is the most up-est and down-est feelings. I even can't describe well how the feelings are. I can say that i'm trying for learning, really, for understanding everything. But there are two sides of myself that each always speaks. It makes me dilemma, often.

Till now, i still don't understand with some angriness cases. I'll understand if i know the cause. The problem is i was trying to find out 'the causes' and still not found out and can't handle the angriness. Feeling full of nausated. Especially for who trying so hard to put me in hardest situation. For some, pretend having a good heart, holy in a person, and know rightness. But what's the point to prove that? Theory just theory without the practical/implementation. Can i make it the same level with -bullshit?

Thanks for how my self-character react for handling in some times. The typical of saingunist, that loving among in many people, make some crowded with the loud voice, and always forgetful for everything, -makes i can live my life easier. Even for the badness will happen when i'm alone. I really bad in aloness.

Next, what the positive is just i become stronger. I'm learning to take positive side and think how the creator plans for me through these. Even, it's not always smooth, because i'm too humanist. I learn for many character and expression from people. YES, i think i have to study psychology!! Good idea!!!

The other thinking is that the culture here is really made me depressed. How people give reaction for the other, how people really want to involve in a-person-privacy, and how can my business be your business! what a shitty! What i want to do is moving to Europe or America where my business are my business and even you don't have any rights to comment. Where judgment are exist in 'green-table', i mean court not by people that even don't know how handle theirselves' life. How poor!

Again, i'm in fire for having willingness to treat other people not like people in usual treat me How big deal i promise *RAISE THE FLAG IN MY HAND* too cruel and too hurt, i enough for feeling that. And how i promise to do better and even the best, not for proving myself to them, but to build myself better and even the best, for develop myself especially character. My dad said "It's easy to reach the top, but the thing that make you exist in top is the character" I agree that without good character, it's impossible to make you in the top. And i believe too 'as hard as the exam you'll face, you stand for higher level'

Lose

I feel like i lose my spirit at the past. I always had many dreams and so positively I believed i would make all my efforts to reach it. Nowadays, as long as my age added, i see the dreams are far. I feel losing my main-point in life. I really don't know why. I who should make my own life happy, not other. I who motivate myself and believe toward myself that I can if I want. I lose my self-confidence. Flying far to random place everywhere. Sad knowing this reality. 

I think I need psychologist whom I can share with. Maybe there're solutions for me how to rise up again. Re-back all my spirits. 

I less realize that all the ability can exist if we often exercise it. And with our faith, we combine it to make something unique and different. Too many things that I realize, but in fact I do nothing. 

Who says

That place should be place like home

Where love is shared

Where we share each other, happy and struggle

Where people keep praying together, strengthen each other

It describe something contrary with what I come through. I feel be strange people where's people don't know me. Ya, they don't need to know me. Not need reason for it. And I wouldn't to force what people should feel about me. What usual in people's mind often out from the line should be. 

I'm really sad knowing this reality. Enough to feel hurting much to what I have gone through. It's tough, really. Often, have to act fake and it's totally annoying. I have to be fake happy among people's laugh and the toughness make me haven't the power to stand up. Tears represents it all. 

I can't predict what will happen in my life next. As my humanity, I'm always afraid and worry. But right now, I'm really really grateful and be blessed for the day I have already passed. May God strengthens me facing new challenges tomorrow. 

A thing that be lesson for me today: Everyone does mistakes. It's always. No one that miss from it. In life, we never stop learning. When people does mistakes, they realize it. They have commit to not do the same thing. We as people around have to accept them well. Support them and not change the attitude toward them. They need people who believe that they can repair all. I learn to treat people like that. It doesn't mean that I wish they treat me like that. Once again, it's back to each people. 

#outfitoftheday 

#ootd

Snapshot by Grace